Where Have I Been?

It's obvious I've not been blogging for awhile. I haven't even looked at very many blogs in the past month. There have been a variety of different reasons, but only one of them is very good. I've debated and debated on writing about this excuse; I've even started and then deleted several attempts at a new post. I just don't know how to write about what's in my heart and on my mind without sounding selfish, insane, uncaring, grumpy, ungrateful, and like I'm trying to get attention and sympathy. I finally decided that I love each of you (at least those of you I know look at this--if I don't know you, well, drop me a line and I'll love you too). Since I love you and care about you and what is happening in your lives, I thought you may feel the same about me. Especially since you're reading this blog. That must count for something. Right? Anyway, with that all said, I'll start.

On September 7, Doug and I found out we were expecting baby #3. After trying off and on for the past two years we were ecstatic to be pregnant again. Our due date was May 3--Miriam's 8th birthday. As with my other two pregnancies I was sick right away. It was all I could do to get the girls up and ready for school. I enjoyed every aspect of being pregnant even though I didn't feel well. It had been six years since I had been pregnant last. It was like being pregnant for the first time again. I was sick, but I was happy.

Even though I was happy I was a little stressed as well. Our health insurance with Doug's job hadn't started yet and the temporary insurance we had didn't cover pregnancy. I wasn't sure how we were going to cover all the expenses until November, and at times I wished the pregnancy would have waited another month, but I figured it was all in the Lord's timing. I was pregnant and somehow we would make it work.

I decided on my doctor and we had our first appointment. During our first ultrasound the doctor couldn't find anything that would lead her to say we had a viable pregnancy. There was a little bleep on the screen that she said COULD be a heartbeat, but she just couldn't say for sure. She told us to come in a few weeks later for another ultrasound. I didn't think much of it because my periods have always been a little odd so I figured we just weren't as far along as we thought. I went ahead and had all the blood work done. Doug and I decided we'd not say anything to the girls or anyone else until we had a picture to show.

A few weeks later we went in for our second ultrasound and this time there was a definite sac, and something inside the sac, but again, the doctor didn't feel comfortable in giving us any specifics. She told us to wait another couple of weeks and to come in again. At this point I really started to worry.

A few days later I miscarried. I woke up to a little bit of blood but figured it could be just some spotting. By the time I showered and was getting ready for the day it was obvious what was happening. I called my mom to make sure I wasn't overreacting. I was crying and by this time the girls were up and getting ready for school. I overheard them in the bathroom talking to each other about how I must be having a baby because my tummy was getting bigger and I was sick all the time. Up until that point that hadn't even said a word. It broke my heart that they would pick up on the pregnancy THE DAY I was no longer pregnant. Knowing that Miriam would be affected by it the whole day, we just told the girls that we weren't sure if I was pregnant or not, but that we'd talk about it when they got home from school.

Miriam was devastated when we told her. I think she thought of the baby as a full term infant that had died. Shaylynn didn't have much of a reaction, but over the next couple of days she kept talking about the baby in my tummy. I had to keep reminding her that the baby had died and that mommy's tummy was now empty. Both girls are doing better now and constantly pray for "a new baby in mommy's tummy".

I told Doug that after the pain of miscarriage I get to say that I've given birth three times. No way did I go through all that and not get to claim something! I had no idea that something so small could hurt SO bad!!!! At one point Doug had to give me a blessing because we thought I was on the verge of hemorrhaging. Not only was it painful physically, but it took it's toll emotionally. It was a loss of my dreams. I had finally pictured myself with a newborn and now that dream was being lost. It didn't help that a large number of people started announcing their own pregnancies. It was like a punch in the stomach each and every time.

I once asked a dear friend of mine how she could be happy for someone who had just announced a pregnancy when she herself was trying so hard to have a baby. She told me she could still feel joy for those around her while at the same time grieving for herself. I didn't understand. I figured she was a pure saint (which she is) for being able to feel that way. It wasn't until now that I understand what she was saying. As much as it hurt to read about someone else getting pregnant, I was still so happy for them. My joy was full, but I still cried. I cried selfish tears for myself. In the end, it was joy that won out, it still does. I'm truly happy for those around me. I wonder how I'll react when they start giving birth during that time I should be giving birth, but maybe I'll be blessed with another pregnancy of my own. I don't know the future, but I do know of a Father's undying love for me.

Previous to my miscarriage I had been prepared for it. I was happy to be pregnant, but I was ready if it didn't work out. I was content with whatever happened. It wasn't until the DAY BEFORE I miscarried that I connected with the baby. I finally wanted this baby with all of my heart. I didn't want to lose him/her. My first thoughts when I saw the blood was, "You're kidding me, right?" It was tempting to be angry with God for allowing me to connect only to lose the baby. However; I knew where those feelings were coming from. They were words from Satan. As I looked back on everything that had happened, I could see the Lord's hands preparing me from the beginning. HE LOVED ME!!!!! He didn't leave me to feel the pain without giving me a cushion to fall back on. He had guided me in so many decisions I had made previously. So many things could have been done differently and I would have had pain a million times more difficult that what I experienced. For example, Doug and I have always told family and friends about our pregnancies right after we get a positive test. This time we were able to keep our mouths shut---that's amazing for us, we aren't very good with secrets. It was hard enough having to tell the few people who knew about our pregnancy about our loss, I can't imagine if I had to announce it to a lot more people. It was very difficult to talk about. In the end I made my sister-in-law tell Doug's family. In fact, Doug was the one who had to tell his sister. I just couldn't talk about it without crying. It would have been too hard to discuss it with people. See how long it's taken me to blog about it. :) I was also blessed because I hadn't purchased anything for the baby yet. It would have been very hard to return items to the store after all of this. Somehow I was able to refrain from making any purchases, which again, is very unusual for me.

I still have moments where I have gut wrenching emotional pain. Sometimes I just feel like something is missing and I just can't put my finger on it. I know it will just take some time, but in a way I don't want to lose this feeling. Previous to now I thought I had expressed the proper sadness and understanding to those who had lost a pregnancy. I realize now that I NEVER understood. I NEVER fully "got it". Yes, I had been sad, yes I had cried for them, but I didn't really KNOW what they were going through. I THOUGHT I did, but I didn't. I'm hoping that from here on, I can be someone that others feel they can talk to about their feelings. I hope I can be more sensitive to their needs and desires.

Well, now you know why I haven't blogged for a long time. At first it was because I was sick, and then it was because I just didn't know how to write about what was going on. Please don't feel like I'm writing because I want your sympathy, but because I love and care about you. I want to know what is happening with you and how you're doing. I figured I owed you the same courtesy. I know this trial of mine doesn't compare with some of the things the rest of you are struggling with. I would never want to presume that my life is more difficult that yours. Please just know that if you ever need a listening ear, I am here for you.